Dominos

https://www.quikly.com/dominos/s/wAvvYaaJ?utm_content=blogger

Shock.

Lips on my neck, and hands down my back; desperate lust.
Our minds, all cautious thoughts, left in the dust.
We weren't settling down, just settling in.
Neither could have predicted what would happen then.
A baby on the way, breaths snatched away,
What in the world was I to say?

Someone, Anyone.

Lost in grief, in loneliness, in guilt. In a world of emotions in which are in the company of constant exhaustion, and pains. Loathing who I see in the mirror, the sight of my own body brings tears to my eyes.

Self hatred.

How could you love me?
How could you even begin to understand how terribly hurt, and scared I feel; I'll never explain the extent of self hate I have for myself..?

I want Emmett, more than I ever thought I would, and I love that little boy. I can feel him move inside me, and as much as I'd like to say that makes it all better, it doesn't. I'm never alone, and I've never felt lonelier.

I feel bad. No, I feel awful that I'm this horribly fat and disgusting blob with no energy to do things for you, I feel worthless.
I'm so sorry.

The demands of the fucked over.

Clutch your fist, pull back, now give it all you got. 

Please, don't refuse your not afraid to hurt me. You remember what it was like to press that little red button,  sound of the dial tones that followed? 

Grab the gun, grip the trigger, now 

pull. 

Don't pretend to be appalled at the suggestion. Tell me do you remember what it felt like to move your hand back and fourth, to wave goodbye? 

Take a drive, I keep the book in a box beneath my bed, make the arrangements. 

Use your poker face if you must, tell everyone you had no idea, that you're shocked. 

You promised, you swore you'd keep me safe. 

Yet you heard the fear that laced my words, the pain that stole my breath. The screams, the threats that poured through the walls, that lingered in the corners. You heard 

closed fist meet flesh, you heard the words that accompanied each blow. Words so painful they can never be unheard or unfelt. You heard the pain escape my lips in the form of desperate sobs. You heard hope leave, you heard despair make it's entrance, kick off it's shoes and make itself right at home.Yet you hung up the phone unaffected, returned to your life as normal while I fought death from my doorstep.

You saw the change in me, it was impossible to miss. You saw sorrow invade my eyes, collect in the corners. You heard the quiver in my voice, the weakness making itself known. The glow of my cheeks were gone, replaced with streaks of black. The color in my lips had faded. You saw the body of a dead girl. 

You chose not to look, not to ask. 

You heard me choking on the hopelessness, drowning in despair. You watched me sink,  unable to grab hold of anything. You watched the blue pull me under.

I watched you turn and walk away.

The Prologue.

It's final, the news has been printed and published.
Soon everyone willl know.
He's gone, and with him the hope that he'll be coming back.
There is however, the very definate fact that one day, however far away, you'll have a family.
One where love is promised; cherished.
And not so easily discarded.
For those who mistakenly believe we are a product of parents, of their lies, and dishonest nature, of their feats, and trustworthiness, I stand to prove you wrong.
We are our own individuals, gifted with souls and minds entirely unique to us.
So please, hang up coat, and whatever preconceived notations you carry with you, and we can sip tea while  I tell a story.
A story of a girl in a world not suited for young eyes, a story of mine.

The Undeniable Craving.

The privilege of being young and careless is taken for granted, and it's those who lose it before they ever really had the chance to have it understand this the most.
The dreaming dies all to often, and the hope struggles to withstand the trials of time.
Forced to dig roots deep enough into sand to ensure it's place in the future, like an oak by the ocean.
Stronger, more aware than the others who fill their minds with the pettiness of this existence,
But oddly enough it's easy to find one's self envious of their ability to.
Abandoned, alone, afraid, yet unable to allow themselves to fall victim to these struggles for there are decisions that must be made, and sacrifices that necessary.
Constantly swallowing wants and desires in compliance to the demands.
Beaten, bruised, tired, but there is no time to rest.
There are things to be done, and the pressure heavily occupies their shoulders.
It's easy to be unsure of the decisions  made with youth and the lack of guidance.
The struggles of becoming an adult so much before their time, and the inability to bask in the rewards of adulthood.
You promised they'd become amazing, that they'd strive.
The personality they were 'gifted' with ensures that they'll never give up on their responsiblities.
Never truly be careless, and always the ones who accept what is, and there place in this world.
They will eventually have an easier existence because of their understanding, but eventually isn't now.
And now is surely it's taking it's toll.

The fearful.

Passion in your eyes, and love at your fingertips. 

You've got so much potential rushing through your veins, beating life into your heart and soul. 

But doubtfulness linger near, sometimes your cheeks give it away, and sometimes it's your inability to look me in the eye.

Just remember some time will be your time, and you won't hesitate. 

Fear is a obstacle your working to overcome, it's a mountain your climbing 

You will come to the realization that there is less oxygen on top, and rarely any company.

So please don't linger long. Face the truths, the lies. 

Because right now, those who can see the magic you possess are waiting. 

I am waiting, and your preoccupation has left me with an empty mailbox, just another absence of you. I miss you, hurry home.

The moment of pure hope.

The seconds before the glass shoe shatters or the axe falls. The seconds when you close your eyes and believe, believe somehow if you wish hard enough that fate will show mercy. Well, here's a moment, I'll close my eyes and believe in you, believe in your words, prove me right. Prove them wrong. 

The night club turned elegant.

Remember what it was like to dance? To have no other choice but to surrender our hearts to the music, which in turn shared it accordingly. That night the music favored you. And you left me humming the tune. I still play that song, relive that moment just to feel the way it felt to be in your arms, to be lost in the music, the love, and nothing more. But now that's moment gone and I'm here wanting much more. More than anything. More than everything. More than me. More than now. Please, falling star/time on the clock/ lucky copper Lincoln. I am counting on you. I have taken a chance, put faith in  something in me, and now it's just a matter of lines on a calendar. Just a matter of minutes ticking by. It'll eventually be my time. As soon as it's over, I promise you it's all gone, I'm starting over. Someone completely different somewhere new. Anywhere but right here. There will be no more you, I'll never remember another name, I don't want to stay anywhere that long. I'll send postcards, unmarked. Because words won't be able to describe what is in my heart, or head. Not after this. Begin to forget me now, for those few people who even know me, or think they do. I'll count the days, the seconds, count with me.

The protest.

You want to know what my problem is?

My heart is demanding my immediate attention and insisting that I comply, it wants me to love you. But you have prior engagements and my head is on the front like with picket signs that read, "The greatest thing is too love AND to be loved in return."
Your in no mood to love, and I'm too afraid to lose my head again.
But it's a chance I have to take, a struggle, a battle within myself that I can't simply ignore.
I owe myself, I owe you much more than that.
So when I tell I love you, know that I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
And know, that I'm just as afraid as you.

The choice.

Open the book.
Revisit the stories told, remember the fantasies that played out in your dreams, recall your many aspirations.
Open your eyes and ears.
For all the times you closed your ears to stories told, or your eyes to the movies made for fear of falling victim to dreams.
Open your mind, your heart.
For all the hurt and pain you've seen and felt you must remember all the love and happiness you've witnessed.
Open your soul.
You've forgotten to dream big, settled for little dreams instead. You put all your faith only in your own hands, in your ability to work hard but you haven't trusted in the fates to bring you love, or happiness.
Open your mouth.
This world is full of opportunities, and people who have stories.  First you must let them know you are listening, the rest will follow.

The change of heart.

The fairytales do happen in this world of ours it seems,
There is a rhyme and a reason for the hope we have, the dreams.
The hurt, the hell, written into all our favorite tales makes the happiness to follow ever more real.
The motivates of the characters are indeed sometimes wicked but that's all the thrill.
We thrive on this idea that we aren't dreamers at heart,
Fairytales just remind us of the love we have yearned for from the start.
Trust in fate, trust in you, trust in me.
You'd be surprised at the goodness of this world when you put on those red slippers, you'll see.

The love letter.

Words are tossed around carelessly, and rarely do assemble to make anything memorable. You, on the other hand, are different. Clever, and funny. 
Thank you.

The smoky sky.

It begins with a simple spark, and the heat spreads.
The fire tasted life, yearned and hungered for it.
Greedy, no more than any of us, it consumes log after log.
However the wood burns, turns red and crumbles, like hope.
And eventually, that fire unable to live on breathes a final breath.
Leaving nothing but embers, the potential for fire, but without the wood to fuel it.
Learn from the flames.
Don't lose hope, you cannot survive without it.

The promise

The times I bite my tongue so hard it bleeds, crimson red blood stained with sin.

The times my thoughts stop at just that, thoughts, dark and desperate thoughts. 

The times my breath escapes me, stolen by sorrow.

It's all wrong, my one and only goal is to speak my words to you.

To revel all the hatred, hurt, anger built up in my heart, 

All labeled with your name, no evading the blame.

I'll spend my time trying to sell my soul to the highest bidder, and throw caution to the wind,

Trying to rid myself of me, of the kind hearted girl you used.

Trying to become someone strong enough to return to you what you gave me, 

To tear your world apart and sit back with a smile.

I'm coming for you.

The plead.

Inspire me; love me, hurt me, leave me. 

Join my present as long as you don't creep into my future, occupy my time, my heart.

But remember that now only lasts so long, and the minutes are ticking away, you must not stay long.

Mis.

Mistake, The accidental eye contact, the moment of weakness.
I let those eyes so full of depth fix on mine, and I lost my breath, my heart.
I should have known better.
Misunderstood, The line used way to often, the sign of weakness.
I let my heart take control, threw logic to the wind. I lost my better judgement, my head.
I knew you, your type.
Mislead, The unavoidable, the hurt to come.
I mislead you, you mislead me, two hearts unwilling to face the truth. I lost my grasp on reality, my certainy.
I thought I knew me, too.
Miss, Now I miss you quite terribly.
I let you leave, I let you take with you my heart. I lost my chance, I lost you.
I'm getting to know regret.

The one who wears the cape.

The lies you've told yourself; it's not worth it, the truth you evade; they care, the hurt you collect; the hidden tears, fears.  It's made you you, turned you into that amazing, breath taking person before me. The change started in your heart and spread to your eyes. And yes it's clear that you've pushed them away to arm length, and you have every intention of keeping them there, keeping them from hurting you anymore than they already have. The few that look close enough can see the loving spark that remains, waiting in the form of an ember ready to catch fire. Your different now then before, yet your the same good heart, the same caring soul. You are not those lies, that fear, that pain, they don't define you. You don't let them, and even with as hard as you try to convince the ones around you otherwise the truth comes out. Your beautiful truth, your story is out. The strength and courage in your heart, the love for life not so hidden in your eyes is why they look up to you, even if they don't admit it.

The lead that lead to this.

It was idea spread carelessly across the paper in hopes to perserve it, savor it.

Written by young, shaking and unsure hands.

It was navitiy at it's finest.

Tears stained the pages,

Hope fueled the pencil as it glided across the page.

A chance to leave the confusion behind, to find a new and better futrue.

The beginning, the middle, and the to be continued..

The most exciting adventure, the chance of a life time.

A missed oppruinity returning,

The dream come true.

The discovery that dreams don't always play out according to the story books.

That sometimes grass is dead and dying on the other side.

And hearts don't survive without sunshine.

An unimaginable pain.

A sorrow that is impossible to ever truly forget.

The nightmare's door into the real world.

The regrets, the doubts, the fear, the blame, the consumption.

Missing you, missing then, missing it all. 

Facing the unrepairable break.

Conquering the pain, and redirecting the hurt.

Becoming who I need to be to have a future good enough to make up for the years lost.

Finding the strength, the courage, the motivation to carry on.

Fighting the fight.

A strength that came with a high price.

The realization that people are simply selfish.

That they can't be trusted, to love you, or to be loved.

The reason that hearts aren't woren on sleeves, or even woren at all.

'Til life do us part.

This planet, as big and magical as it might be, breaks from time to time.

It's weakness, it's fault clearly defined, shown in lines across it's suface.

My heart equally splendid, however filled with love rather than lava, equally fragile.

Love often comes with the promise of lose, a fact of living, a lesson learned.

It's pattern now, it's been tested, and the results returned, it's proven.

The attempts to control my own fate, and share my heart are without prevail.

With the certainty one who could see the future I know that every plan put into motion is not mine to enforce, and not mine to live, not now.

Blindess does not protect me from the glares from others, the disapproving glances, the snickers.

Perhaps the source of this reaction lies in the fact that I'm more willing to lose my sight in order to win the battles.

I would rather be blind to the certain pain speeding towards me than to linger with tear swollen eyes on the side of the road, begging with the fates.

I take my chances, I make my choices.

Effort is in every action I perform, trying harder than you know.

Wish you wouldn't watch me choke, let my lungs to fill with water, and my heart overflow with sorrow,

Only to let me up to breathe, over, and over, and over.

It's only a matter of time before I'm watching the flashbacks, gasping for air.

Every time I dry off the tears, the blood, the sadness.

And stare into tomorrow, into the future, and wait..

'Til life do us part.

The top secret.

The night you left me there, the night you left me to cry, to scream out in such defeat,

I would have died if it wasn't for the strength inside of me that refused such request.

Those demons you left me with were persitant in pushing me closer to the street,

Those thoughts swarmed overwhelmingly inside my head drowning out all the rest.

I almost lost control, let my feet led me into the path of a busy intersection,

Because you might not understand, but I didn't know how to live without you.

I didn't know to proccess that the one person who was supposed to love me could turn me away in complete rejection,

This reality I was to accept was heartbreaking, and left my vision tainted by painful hues of blue.

I was still young, and inable to express how much I needed, you, my father,

At the very least you could have said goodbye, you could have gave me a hug and wished me the best.

But you were preoccupied in your lies, to consumed to even bother,

Do you realize that you left me there alone feeling like this was a trick, a trial, a test?

No way this was real, the pain to overbearing to even ponder the thought,

But when you didn't return, when denial pushed my head from it's shoulder, I had no choice.

The tug a war between my head and heart was fought,

And somehow, someway, I would have to find my voice.

My head had clearly won that battle and I'd continue on another day,

Trying desperately to forgive, and to forget so time couldn't make me resentful,

Shaking my head at thoughts of words that I should have said to convience you to let me stay,

While trying to imagine the tragic life I'd live, the constant string of diaster, nothing short of eventful.

It hurts to be so young, and to feel so much, to have to see things from your eyes,

To be told nothing less than perfection will be accepted and this is just a matter of playing the game,

Constantly feeling as if my emotionss must remain six feet under, making truths feel like lies.

And knowing that nothing will ever be the same.

I will never be so concerned over the whispers, and snickers of class mates,

Or over the end of a silly crush, because I know what it is to feel pain,

I now know not to take a second for granted, to always live in the furture and don't focus on what awaits.

I know the long rides back and forth and that there will be tears shed as the distance seperates us, as i sit and reminisce on the train.

The pain that is relived with every visit and the source of the all my insecurity,

But if anything i took with me this, i can survive anything, that a heart can be broken, and like bones it can heal.

I became a much more than just a girl, gifted with maturity.

The untold story.

Selfish, and spoiled, you can't seem to stop the chatter,
Can't take a second to bow your head in silence and consider what things really matter,
Your head is filled with the new technology, and the latest fashion,
Rumors, and drama is your only real passion.
You paint your face every morning and plan out who will be your next victim,
Check your split ends, time for a trim.
You look through the thousands of dollars your parent's paycheck have invested in keeping you 'cool.'
Just a bunch of idiotic, absent people using money as the prefered parenting tool.
So you deciede what outfit will appeal to those kids who fancy you so, aim to impress.
Finally you decide to wear that new little dress,
Best wear it while it's style is still in,
To waste such money would be a sin.
Because by the time it has been woren once or twice the season has long since changed,
And your closet is frequently being rearranged.
No attachment to those fabrics occupying hangers shoved into the back,
But the knowledge of the stories you seemingly lack.
Grab the shirt off the closet floor, feel the silk between your fingers.
Now close your eyes, let me paint you the picture so tragic it lingers.
The children in India, the children still full of youth, have the blisters to show for that shirt,
The hours spent in a factory filled with silent complience, surrounded with filth and dirt.
Dust fills their lungs with every single  breath,
With burns and cuts so bad they can be credited for their death.
So please, just for a moment, think about everything your blessed with.

The incomplete.

Observation one, your chest is rising and falling, a motion associated with breathing. And yes, your really quite alive, it appears. But a lesson learned all too often, and taken to heart not nearly enough, nothing is what it seems. The clouds aren't just clouds, they are rabbits and dragons, the imagination of children at their finest. The rain is more than just rain, it's the opportunity to wash away your tears, to live and to laugh, to forgive and forget. That smile you wear is a smile learned, rehearsed, and painted beautifully, but it's not felt. An illusion, intended to mislead, deceive. 

Observation two, your face flushes at the sounds of snickers, and your heart drops all to often with uncertainty and fear. Afraid they are laughing at you, afraid that your never going to ease up, never going to be able to hold your shoulder back and fight fire with that gorgeous smile of yours. It all begins with this moment, this very instant, smile to yourself. Your blessed with everything they're not.

Observation three, you are right in front of me, and although you feel as if your too preoccupied with being preoccupied you must realize that you, whoever you are, are the most amazing person. You are one in a million, and as hard as it might be you must hold onto life with everything you have, you must not let them make you feel like your just another body occupying space in the morgue. Your do good to be so dead.

The paint brush.

Take a step back,
Let the smoke color the sky black,
Her bridges are burning,
The tables are turning.
-
Spinning faster, and faster,
Until everything goes away.
And she's back in the park she used to play,
Air crisp, sky blue, she wouldn't dare peek.
Her motivation was clear, it's the attention she'd seek.
-
The fear that if the game came to an end,
She'd be left alone, looking for a friend.
Grass green, dew fresh,
Her emotions stayed tangled in a confusing mesh.
-
She loved so and tried accordingly,
But her willingness to care never came without a fee,
Constant disappointment rattled her spirit,
She had grown so weary she came to fear it.
-
Terrifed of getting hurt,
Yet she braved on, played on, her faced streaked with dirt.
Orange glow as the sun fell,
She knew the time was coming to say forewell,
-
She faced her fears,
Fought back her tears,
Hoping, Praying, Begging this would not be the end of it,
Hoping, Praying, Begging they wouldn't forget.
-
The young and loving girl with the big heart,
Left that day, with a smile on her face as she turned to depart.
That young girl fought day in and day out,
And constantly pondered what life was about,
-
For the hollowness in her chest,
Was numbing at the very best.
And years of struggle made her retreat,
Return to her shell in reluctant defeat.
-
She learned not to trust or care,
And she learned the risk if she did dare.
Now she's burned her bridges and blackened the skies,
Left with the tables turned and muffled cries.
-
For this world is a harsh one,
It feeds on fear and leaves all your hopes and dreams undone,
Until one day you have to revisit the past,
Promise yourself that this tear with be the last.
-
Learn to love even when the ones you loved so have turned you away,
Learn to fight these fears until your dying day.
For living in such consumption isn't living at all.
Learn to have faith in every flaw,
For living is such a painful chore if you live with such a belief
Learn to forgive and forget for it will seve as a huge relief,
For living in this world you can't rely on anyone else.

The an[goodbye]otic

Job well done, detective, you found the fine print, apparently it read as follow: 
Fathers are only required to met the needs of his child/children until his child/children need him the most at which point it's appropriate to proceed with life disregarding his child/children.

Directions: Take every ounce of hope and trust from the child/children. 
Look us in the eye and lie, we all know your as wrong as sin. 
Pretend your looking out for us, when clearly us means you. 
Your inability to pick up the phone and call was the first clue. 
The drunken words mumbled in and out of consciousness, 
After months and months away and all I get was this?
See I never thought I could lose you, dad. 
I can't help but to feel hurt, helpless, sad. 



Caution: Withdrawal may be easier for some than others. 
The best solution is not to ship them away to their mothers. 
You promised I'd always be your little girl, you swore.
As saddening as it is, I'm forced to realize you don't feel that way anymore. 
Call poison controls if the following symptoms occur, 
A heartache lasting for 6 months or more, vision tainted by tears, a blur. 

Can someone hand me a phone?

The purpose of the trails.

The destination seemingly far, yet patiently it awaits,
Your abilitly to alter the stories opens for you many gates.
Dance with your shoulders back, and sporting a perfectly painted smile.
Hearts so broken as all the lies start to compile,
You chase away your racing thoughts as you struggle to deal,
To find a place where this frantic world remains still,
As you slip into a different realm that is ever more real,
The place discovered only by the people with the strength to feel.
Not those who run from the hurt or credit the lies as truth.
Or the ones who hold desperately onto their youth.
But the ones who face this emotion,
That address the conflict, the sorrow, the commotion,
And take from it the scars and positive outlooks,
With this knowledge they live out their lives in storybooks.
Constantly setting the moods, escaping into a world within ours.
Eluding concieved confines, restricting bars.
This is so much more than a dream,
And much more ideal it would seem.
The abilitly to conqure the fear within ourselves,
To write the endings to all the favorite dust covered stories stashed upon the shelves.
The ability to look fear in the eyes,
And to recall those unbelievably rattling cries,
To know that you made it through the fire,
And that pain allowed you to aim higher
So begin on a new path.

The proposal.

We flirt with the idea of perfection because we’re to afraid to commit,
But this is only temporary madness,
Surely to be followed by bliss sealed with a kiss,
And topped with a life long guarantee.
Oh there I go again, rambling insanity.
But who is to say insanity isn't sane? So yes, i'll paint a world so divine,
Perfection to a t, fit to standards declared by me.
And regardless of what the white lab coats suggest,
I'm nothing more than sane at best,
Today, i'll start packing for my trip to my world of make believe.
A world filled with love, and hearts worn on sleeves,
Knowledge as common as boston cream pie,
Limits so high they couldn't possibly be stopped by the sky
My world of fiction, has gotten down on one knee.
More than ready to commit fully.

The glass shoe shatters.

Fairytales have ruined your perception,
The perfect little storylines are nothing more than deception.
Delightful acts of violance have never been so charming.
The intentions of the characters are often alarming.
Your heart, thought to be valued, is nothing more than a gimmick,
The axe man sent with a purpose, twisted and sick.
Trust, like a poisoned apple, is potentially tragic,
A kiss, could save the day, a brilliant act of magic,
But the rareness that our lives end,
Where the main characters and happiness befriend,
Is growing and so we'll read on and continue to pretend.

The sealed letter.

Dear That Guy,
I don't regret you,
but I do regret what you started,
and what i can't take back.
I don't miss you,
but I do miss the feeling your company gave me,
and life without this yearning to find what you took.
I don't care for you,
but i care that i gave you my trust
and in return you reminded me why i kept that to myself.
I don't think about you often,
but when i do it's painfully matter-of-the fact,
and you were just that guy,
and i was just that girl,
and we were just never meant to be.
I don't resent you,
but i do resent that you knew this all along,
and the fact you lead me on.
I don't cry for you,
but sometimes i think back to the moments when i did,
and i want nothing more than for you to have shared that pain.
I don't hate you,
but i hate that you could get away with this so carelessly,
and i hope you met my dearest friend, Karma.
Love, that girl.

The sleeplness nights.

You chose not to close your eyes when you rest your head,
Purposely evade sleep, intentionally toss and turn in bed.
The fear of waking up to face reality that simply couldn't compare,
You were always more comfortable with truth than dare.
Always more willing to take the truth head on than to dance with the lies.
The kind of person who read the last page first so they knew to perpare for the goodbyes.
You were always waiting, ever so patiently, for the other shoe to drop,
Always waiting for the pain so unbearable it caused your heart to stop.
Because ever since you were just a child they answered you the same,
Your not loveable, and you can't trust me to love you, what a shame.
Time and time again you try, fueled by the shimmer of hope you've managed to save.
Only to find your stuck on a chain, never fulling taking a risk, fear has turned you into a slave.
So you stay awake at night, working, working to save that fire.
Disregard all the roadblocks, disregard every thieve, every one whose intent is to decieve, every liar.
And focus your efforts on making this world better than your best dream.
Fix the tears, the rips, repair the neglects to the seam.
I dare you.

P.S. You don't need to read the last pages to know how this will end if you don't take the risks.